Why – doubting & assuring


I blame for this the intuition that lies down in the depths of my own Marian-grave of mind. Like always, the decisions stated by intuition, are illuminated only at the execution stage, is this lump of dream nutted into my cracks of vibes so long in the bosom of earth and deep sea, that it’s mother-root is not explainable by this circular argumentation and rational thinking at all. By my heart’s and soul’s sensation it just overrides the reason and strengthens the shamanistic urge of spirit – just act and accomplish!

Why on hell I want to run across my home country Finland? Why generally have I built an contradictory, absurd, unfit project by it’s all parameters in relation to normal and everyday life? I’m 52-year old “band manager”, single parent to my five teenagers (latent ninja mutants) and pre-adolescents and I barely cope through weeks and keep the grips of organizational strings of life in hand narrowly. Weekdays and weekends are like whirlwind series of ad-hoc reactions and panicked long shots.

It has been now five months when the idea culminated and reflected back approvingly from my student friend. It was just a nanosecond thought that realized at that moment. “Confirmed and you can count me in!” said Teemu, and we just started to plan the trip. Still, in a bad shape physically, almost quarter to wreck yard to be exact I must confess, but the goal is there to be reached. Fuck the rest! My mind wanders and I try to find explanation to this attached state of matters by using Stetson-analysis. I’ve been cuckood numerous times in the pits, swamp-challenges, renunciations and in front of the great unknown of my life that “matters tend to arrange over period of time”. I claim that there lies unknown silos under our conscious mind, where knowledge and wisdom is filtered. This heritage of knowing is an extraction from our upbringing, inheritance of feelings, lived life and choices of life. We are unknowingly like sieve of gold-washing, we are our own Klondike’s. We usually direct us to the out, while we should look into ourselves.

This extraction of intuition is so dense and tight that it must be examined and opened. Therefore I take here things and backgrounds that have obviously led me into this culmination point.

Sports in general –soccer, ice hockey, floorball, running, triathlon – all these and various other sports have spoken to me and catched my attention by their phenomena’s, social and personal effects, social wellbeing and mental and physical health. Sport has accompanied me sometimes as a habit of life, sometimes as a social spare valve, sometimes as a temporary mania, sometimes as just a body’s claim to be good to yourself or sometimes as a mind’s command to be empty and free in the wind, as a spirit’s indulgence to go against the new.
The scale shows, depending on an odd weekdays situation, murdering figures of 108-112 kg (238-246 lbs) Three years has passed yoyoing from 150 kg (330 lbs). As a highly sensitive person my emotional experiences of life, everyday incidents and faith’s appearances have led my journey to balance in a rugged way. Somewhere in my mind’s underbush I’ve begun to think that it would be perhaps good to free this energy to the things that get’s you forward and to things that constructs life. You can’t wash away the sensitivity but surely by mirroring and interacting with the good people you can find means to avoid the heaviest rolling stones of imaginations and depressions.

Pain. There’s a long list of medical facts that indicate and hints that I should forget, shoot down this miserable and clumsy duck of dream, 1400 km’s (900 mile) long jogging trip. Pelvis ace, knee pain, blood pressure disease, receptivity to arrhythmia. But what is better than to have this ultimate tool to fix yourself? The counter is ticking but joining to different supportive and inspirational social and virtual groups and societies give the provisions to be on the start line in 1st of June in 2017 and have at least theoretical capabilities to this!

How many times have you caught yourself in dreaming? Dreaming of owning some valuable thing, having a pleasurable experience, having a a good relationship, feel of security, having a thought that love and joy fulfills your life – at least for a moment? I confess. Decades passed by rolling in my dreams. And in oblivion in a blur forgetting that the moment is here and now. Life. Perhaps the coldest observation has been that I have all those qualities that are provided: the intellect and reasoning, patience, creativity, and physical condition, to fulfill the dreams that have been there. And still can if you only dreamed. At this point I take the in-built header and general “Why!?” Instantly the counterforce strikes back and says “Why not!?”Knowing yourself”. Eh!? The Lack of it? The series of self confessions goes on. Quick ”sleeveshake”-determination bolts here a statement:” You change always and how can you know!?” The trick is that you must train yourself and think hard and accept the skill of forgiving to yourself. Just accept that life is too short for yourself. Before this escalates to nowhere and everywhere I maybe just try to say that when it comes to dreams, the movement is the most important thing, staying put is just dreaming!

Now I begin to fix the water couloured writings from the between in the lines. The life of man is a series of actions that are springed from your inside world on poured into you from outside inducements. My goal I to reach as natural balance as reachable to myself riding this continuous storm of mental growth. A lot of body and soul movement, being in the nature, interacting with right people is needed for this. Also a lot experiences are needed where the boundaries of mental and physical boundaries and restrictions are. Experiences of stretching these limits. And again encounters of your inner feelings, mirroring them, opening and sharing them.
When you know yourself, you’re ready to love.

To the end of this I found a poem that I wrote in Autumn 2015.


my story untold
my light not drunken

still I live like pulsating scar of life,
hear the commands of sky
and laugh when the space doesn’t remember to make the night

I’m a forgotten spell of star forest,
without wise man, without bewitched moon
cautious winter I am
and touch the summer with strawberry pillow
daydreaming, hairy across loved
quilt of beggar I am
whose abandoned song is echoed from the cold stone

unwarmed ox stable I am without haughty stallion
tired sheep barn,
the shear scissors that are cut into weeping

I stalk life bent deeply

I guard myself with Haiku’s
and moss marinated regret

I rest on boulder of time
fighting against storm and hails of mockery

nakedly I fish with the slippery of stone
the coulds to touch the spirit of my breast

I hammer the bars of sun,
offer the free spirit of me

the victim of universe
weightless me

the blue washed into the sea
the green wished into to lakes
the crystal weawed into the lakes

moistured heart after nuclear white

now, I see where the smiles are opened and the richness is extracted

the membranes of light are settled on a way of escape,
suddenly resting and enjoying

I’m the touch of my dream,
surfaless cirle of atoms
the emphasis of yearning on a word enchantment
I’m a resonated hymn of beauty,
the polished sound of love by softness

with these words

the beginning of the story of me is told
the joint of hands and the promise of skin
pulsating knowledge of heart

Our days are open, Oh Life!

– © Markku Heino –


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